I listened to an old recording of my dad sharing how he felt on the day I was born. He said it was crispy cold, the sky was clear, and the icicles on all the branches looked like millions of little crystals. He was so happy when I was born. He said he finally had something that was his own.
40 seemed so far away when you’re a child, and even as an adult. I thought I would never reach this age yet here we are. When I turned 39, I felt very apathetic towards it. I couldn’t believe I only had a year left of my 30s. I had been grieving about the waste of time for the last couple of years. I felt behind on accomplishing my dreams and also feeling like I had wasted time with certain relationships. I wanted a redo for my 30s.
But that is not possible. I do recognize that the timing of how everything happened was exactly how it was suppose to play out. Even if I got a redo, it would still end up how it did because the lessons I needed to learn, I didn’t learn til later in my late 30s.
People like to share the lessons they’ve learned whenever they have a milestone birthday. I do want to share, but there is no need for a list of the top 40 things I learned before turning 40. That’s a bit overkill. However, here is what I would say if I could go back and talk to myself when I had first turned 30:
Love yourself above everyone and everything else. You do this by knowing who you are and trusting yourself. You can’t love or appreciate anyone else if you don’t love yourself first.
Kill your ego. Loving yourself doesn’t mean that everything is about you. Life is unfair but you are not a victim. You have strength and resilience deep inside of you. You can trust yourself to keep going and to bring yourself to the other side.
Stop people-pleasing. People will not love you any more or treat you with kindness or respect no matter how much you keep putting out for them. Listen to your intuition and choose yourself first.
Love is real and love is carrying you.
Birthday Painting
I wanted to commemorate my 40th birthday by making a painting about all of my birthdays leading up to it. This is a self-portrait of me turning 8, with my dad’s arm around me. This was such a significance for me to paint because my dad had always been there for me since day 1 and he was my biggest fan. He encouraged me to do anything I wanted, especially when it came to the arts. When I told him I wanted to be an artist as a child, he bought my easel, the same one I still use today. My dad has passed now and I think and miss him daily but I can still feel his presence close by. He’s still there next to me, supporting me and championing me in my life.
I painted my first three birthday cakes from family photos. There is a red envelope in the corner because my birthday always falls around Lunar New Year and I end up with double red envelopes because of it.
Lastly, I painted my symbolic version of my adult self in the background, behind my child self. A girl of two cultures, who is so strong and resilient during times of hardship, learning to love herself and keep her heart soft.
Sneak Peeks
This mini quilt is almost done. I was waiting on Vietnamese fabric to come so that I can finish sewing the ao dai to my cowgirl. Once done, I’ll clean it up and add the straps to the back so it can hang on the wall. It’s meant to be interactive so that viewers can come up and touch it and open the little door I sewed on it.
I’m making zines again and hope to show at upcoming zine fests this year, here in DFW and around Texas! I’m very excited for this accordion-fold zine. I’ve made my sketch but feeling a bit shy about painting on it. Painting on paper has been the biggest challenge for me and have always opted to create illustrations digitally because of it but I’m pushing myself to get past that hump.
A mini portrait painting of my mom as a teen in Vietnam. I usually don’t do studies of my final paintings, I just go for it and edit and refine on the canvas but a friend told me to start doing small studies and this was quite helpful to get something small on paper first before starting on the final.
